Last Wednesday saw the return of one of mine and Hana’s favourite TV shows, Drunk History on Comedy Central UK. Inspired by one of this weeks stories, Robin Hood, we’ve written a modern, politically correct, retelling of this classic English hero.
Politically Correct Robyn Hood
Once upon a time there was a brave social justice warrior called Robyn Hood*. She (for although she preferred to use the female pronoun, this was not in any way an expression of a cis-normative world view that sought to de-normalise non-binary gendered people) was an outlaw who lived beyond the realms of capitalist, patriarchal, Eurocentric society in a former council house in Dalston, which her parents had bought her with their inheritance from Granny. She lived in this house with her comrades, a group of brave social justice warriors; and together they called themselves the Merry Persons of Pluralistic Ethnic, Cultural, Religious and Gender Identities. Their names were Body Positive John, Will/Scarlett, Asexual Marian and Non-denominational Spiritual Teacher Tuck, who was the Chaplin of a Multi Faith Centre.
One day Robyn was writing her social activism blog in her usual haunt, The Locksley Organic Coffee Shop when she befell a grave injustice herself.
“You’ve been here for three hours using the WiFi and you’ve only had one matcha latte,” said the manager, Guy Gisbourne. “The non-competitive Ashtanga yoga studio over the road is about the empty out and unless you buy something else, I’ll have to ask you to leave to make room for them”.
This made Robyn’s blood boil. She detested the non-competitive Ashtanga yoga studio. Not only were the class participants of a Eurocentric cultural background but she knew for a fact that none of them had attended her seven hour lecture on the significance of Ashtanga yoga in the Hindu tradition, making the whole thing nothing but down right cultural appropriation disguised as a sport. To make matters worse, Robyn had recently made a large donation to a charity that provided beard transplants to hipsters with naturally low facial hair distribution. She opened her Nineties style bum bag (worn ironically of course) and saw that she was so broke that all she could afford was a from concentrate, non-Fair Trade orange juice, and she would rather die than put that filth in her mouth! So, downtrodden and dispossessed, she had to leave the Locksley Organic Coffee Shop.
When Robyn and the Merry Persons of Pluralistic Ethnic, Cultural, Religious and Gender Identities gathered around their low carbon emissions fireplace that evening, she told them her tale of woe. They all knew that this grave intolerance could not be tolerated and right then they formed a plan.
The very next morning they mounted their cis-species horses and rode up Dalston High Street, aggressively distributing educational leaflets about the history of Ashtanga yoga and tweeting as they went. They rode up to The Locksley Organic Coffee Shop, surrounded it and dismounted their steeds.
“What’s going on here!” huffed Guy Gisbourne as he came out the coffee shop.
“We’re here to call an end to your capitalist oligarchical oppression of improvised and now dispossessed bloggers, vloggers and social activists,” proclaimed the Merry Persons of Pluralistic Ethnic, Cultural, Religious and Gender Identities. “We demand you hand over your organic coffee beans, the fair trade ones only, for redistribution of the wealth.”
“And if I don’t?” asked Guy.
“Then,” Robyn Hood piped up bravely, “I’ll only give you one star when I write a review of your establishment on Trip Advisor and I’ll tell the council that you do not have an accessible toilet for differently abled patrons.”
Guy sighed to himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to deal with this sort of thing but he knew how to make things right.
“If you come and I give you all a free coffee, can we forget about the whole thing?” He said.
Robyn paused. A peace offering, this was the last she had expected. Luckily she was an expert at negotiating community cohesive conflict resolutions.
“Fine,” said Robyn, “but I want a pack of locally sourced kale and sesame seed oil crisps as well.”
“I think we have a deal,” said Guy.
So the tale ends as our heroes, the Merry Persons of Pluralistic Ethnic, Cultural, Religious and Gender Identities sat around the repurposed, upcycled coffee table at The Locksley Organic Coffee Shop and enjoyed their well earned matcha lattes.
“All’s well that ends well,” said Robyn, “but take heed brave heroes all; a social justice warrior’s work is never done. Remember, wherever Hollywood hires Eddie Redmayne to play a differently abled or trans-gender character, taking work away from less privileged actors, wherever someone eats westernised Chinese food without understanding the differences between Mandarin and Cantonese culture, whenever somebody refers to Africa as a country rather than a continent, we will be there fighting for justice! Huzzah and hoorah!”
*That’s right Robyn Hood is a girl now! Down with the misogynistic patriarchy!